Glasseswebb Election Special

Cameron and Maybach – a coalition made in Heaven

Pollsters have been sweating over their clipboards and clicker-counters over the last few weeks as Election Fever sweeps the country. Places such as Eastbourne and Chorley have long been held up as microcosms of the way the country will vote nationally, and have come under the public opinion industry’s spotlight in the hope of correctly predicting the next government.

Party leaders, too, have come under the closest scrutiny, with their every word, move and nuance discussed endlessly. David Cameron’s suits, Ed Milliband’s shoes, Nigel Farage’s hats – all have been the subject of fierce debate and fevered speculation. But all we are interested in is eyewear. Forget trivial things such as policies: we want to know what spectacles and shades would best suit the party leaders.

It’s no secret that, since we opened the first of our pop-up shops in Leigh-on-Sea, the small town full of independent shops and shoppers has become the UK’s centre for fashion eyewear, and its residents and traders are now the country’s best-informed about the ranges and brands at the forefront of the industry. So it was only natural that we took to the streets to ask people what they thought about the competing political parties and the eyewear that would best suit them.

“Cameron, he’s definitely, definitely Clayton Franklin,” said local accordionist Chris Maugham. “Their directness, their boldness, suits him down to the ground.” “Yeh, Clayton Franklin for Cameron,” Shirley McBurley of Sarongs4U told our interviewer. “He’d look barmy in Barton Perreira, mad in Moscot and kinky in KBL.”

As for Ed Milliband, opinion was divided. “I can’t imagine Ed having a kind of bohemian lifestyle,” Sammy Maguire of the Rendezvous café said. “So it would have to be Moscot, for me.” But his partner, Somerset O’Mahoney, disagreed. “I would say he’s Barton Perreira. Their range has so much variation that he could keep changing his glasses as often as he changes his mind.”

Nigel Farage attracted the most varied responses. “Poundland,” pronounced Peter Peasepudding of Cod Help Us fish ’n’ chip shop in Broadway West. “Oh, no, it’s got to be 99p Stores,” said a waiting customer, who asked to remain anonymous. But there was dissent from the customer behind her in the queue. “He’s got more style than that. I can see him in those posh £3.99 ones they have in the Factory Shop,” he said.

After asking almost 100 local shoppers and shopworkers which brand of glasses Nick Clegg would choose, we drew a blank. “I know the name, but I can’t place him,” was the response from most interviewees. “Is he that bloke from the Carpet World ads?” asked one.

A clipboard, similar to the clipboards used by our team of researchers

Almost all of those questioned were united in their opinion as to which glasses would suit the Green Party leader, Natalie Bennett. The brands, whether Moscot, Barton Perreira, Clayton Franklin, Maybach or any of the other fabulous collections that we stock, were not important. A massive 99% of respondents simply said that her spectacle frames and lenses should be green.

It was certainly an eye-opening couple of days work, footing it around Leigh-on-Sea with our clipboards and microphones. Highlights of our interviews will be available as a podcast shortly. Here are the results, as voiced by the good shoppeople of Leigh-on-Sea.

Conservative – Maybach (associated with the super-rich)

Labour – Moscot

Lib Dems – KBL Kind of Bohemian Lifestyle (one respondent)

Green Party – HOET 3D Printed Titanium – one-seventh of the carbon footprint of most other eyewear brands

UKIP – sorry, we can’t sell them any of our fabulous European and US brands.

SNP – Claymore Franklin

Glasseswebb's resident psychic, futurologist and predictrix has shone her all-seeing eye over the coming election and predicted that the Conservative party will come through with 331 seats, and Ed Milliband, Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage will all resign the next morning in the wake of their humiliating defeats. Let's see if our Mystic Mo is right. She usually is.